So on Friday I received news that my paternal grandfather died. Was I upset? Of course! My understanding, since I'm and adult and not 4 years old, is that I knew he was going to pass away eventually but the shock and surprise is when it happens. I mean with someone as such a great man who has lived through and seen so much I just wish I had one more chance just to speak with him. The last time I saw him was during my break between fall and winter semester. I wanted to tell him about my experience in Russia but the time I visited him he was sleeping (and if anyone wants to know how it went with my grandmother I refer to you with my complaint on appearing in photos). At least I got the chance to see him during that time than waiting so many months (the period after I got back from Russia and before I started fall semester I wanted to avoid anything that could spread in a nursing home).
What I know about my grandfather is that he was born in the Bjelovar region of Croatia. He survived World War II and after that ended up in England where he met my grandmother. When my dad and his twin were about 6 the whole family which consisted of them, my grandparents, and my grandmother's mother moved to Canada and settled in Toronto where eventually the family expanded by two more offspring. For as long as I can remember my parents and I would make trips to Toronto up to the time I was in sixth grade. During those times I remember some of my grandpa's routines: eating, reading the paper, listening to the Croatian radio program on CHIN radio, watching TV (usually a tennis game), and either walking or biking to the grocery store on Lawrence Ave. He would do some or all of these activities all before 6 or 7 pm, his bedtime. When my grandparents moved to Ottawa they lived with me until their house was built. I remember during hot summer days grandpa would sit on the porch shirtless. One day I took out an atlas and he would tell me about his journeys across Europe (one of the places he's been to was Austria. I remember that after I showed him photos/told him that I was there as part of my trip to Europe in back in 2006). After they moved into their house, most of grandpa's routines continued and I would see him on occasion. It was just recent, around 2010/2011 when I remember grandpa's health starting to take a turn for the worst. He had multiple trips to the hospital, stayed there for some time, until he was transferred to the nursing home (those were not the only time he has had trips to the hospital by the way out of relevance).
As for the grieving aspect I believe I was even more upset when my paternal grandfather died than when my maternal grandfather. I was maybe 4 when the latter died and my understanding of death wasn't at the level of those around me. I've only knew my maternal grandfather for like . . . not even a year (maybe like 8-10 months). With my paternal grandfather I felt it. Not only was I on an emotional roller-coaster I was feeling the physical aspects of it as well. That night I got a headache, my sinuses were inflamed, and I was exhausted (coming from the fact that it takes more muscles to frown than smile). I took the advice of someone who told me to rest and I did. I felt refreshed and a calmed down after that (and a good cry just to clear out my sinuses). I do get teary teary-eyed at times at I type this but I'm human and I feel.
Another thing that has come to mind is something I remember saying to my aunt. The relationship between her and my dad has been strained for some time but I'm thinking whatever those were they got put aside. I remember saying "I don't want the next time everyone gets together be at a funeral" or something along those lines and ever since then I have been avoiding contact with her as much as I want to see my cousin grow up. I wanted to avoid a second situation where the unspeakable/unknown reasons for the strained relationship come up as topic. At the same time I don't want to answer questions like "do you keep in touch with so and so while you're in such place?" Anyway my curiosity is to my cousin is how he handled grandpa's death. Was he like me when I was his age (4)? I guess it's one of those things I'll eventually find out when I return. I guess I'll just have to put aside my fears and assumptions once I return home after the semester's over.
I don't know who will be reading this but if someone who has been through the same I appreciate your comments and your stories. I am aware that I put out some personal stuff on here as I am also sharing this post with family and friends whether they read this or not.
Love you and miss you grandpa.
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